Self Aggrandizing Promotions

Orchestral Maneuvers

Mon, 08 May 2006 17:48:12 GMT

I've finally seen the stupidest thing while commuting. At 7:30 this morning, I was driving up on 101 North in Mountain View to Palo Alto, and there was a guy in a green Audi (Lic.# 4MIR862) playing a flute (I think a piccolo) with both hands while "driving." Being a musician myself, I can appreciate when the passionate muse hits you, and the need to express it, but not at 40 MPH (the going rate these days on 101 in the morning).

For your NIGHTMARES

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 17:27:57 GMT

Steven Seagal : BLUES BROTHER

Bush Go Away

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 18:16:57 GMT

Bush is coming to San Jose. Whoop-dee-furking-doo.

He just doesn't GET it, does he? We don't like him and we don't want him near our kids.

Go away! You're like Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch. You're a JINX.

They boo you (or your dark shadow) at ball games. They tell you (or your dark shadow) to fuck off when you visit their hurricane ravaged areas. Take a hint: Am-scray! Beat it! Getthehellouttahere!

When you talk, you sound like an asshole. Everything you say is a lie or some shifted version of a lie or a redirection. Just go. We need you like avian flu. Like dog poo. We have a lot to fix because of you. You better just go and never come back. You've caused enough trouble.

In fact, leave the country. Leave the planet. Take Dicky, Rumsy, Rovesy, Wolfosy, and Condi and go make a new world on Mars. That is the war planet afterall. Can you image the kids they would have? No, please don't, you may get nightmares.

God... what I wouldn't do for a military coup at this point. May the generals revolt and restore the order in our government. May this King George get his. I can't wait until November when we ready the impeachment team. He makes me want to vomit which the stench makes me want to vomit some more.

So don't bother coming here, Bush. Just go the opposite direction of here. You should know the way. You've been taking everyone else there your whole waste of a presidency. The farther you get from here and anywhere, the better we can get back to being American, and not you.

PS. Leave Scot McClellan. I have a bus that would like to anally rape him.

Somedays...

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 16:57:48 GMT

... I just love being Chinese... My people are so industrious. There should be a term for using prison labor. It's not "outsourcing," but maybe "cellsourcing", "jailsourcing," or "consourcing?"

In China's Technology Push, Even Prisoners Innovate
Prisoners in China are reducing their sentences by inventing new technologies.

By K.C. Jones
TechWeb.com

Apr 7, 2006 04:29 PM

Forget license plates. Prisoners in China are reducing their sentences by doing a different kind of labor. Inmates have been reducing their sentences by inventing new technologies, according to a Shanghai Daily report.

A car thief who invented security devices for cars has reduced his term at the Tilanqiao Prison, according to the report. More than 132 prison inventions have won prizes at science and technology competitions, prison guard Xie Xiaoming told a Shanghai Daily reporter.

The article, published this week, cited other professionals, including an architect who expressed gratitude for the opportunity to create new technologies and reduce sentences for crimes like fraud and bribery, which in China can lead to life sentences.

China has recently gained global attention as its government pushes for competition and leadership in technology. In December, an international study reported that China overtook the United States for the title of the world's biggest supplier of information and communications technology products.

SoaP

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 17:16:47 GMT

"

'nuff said.

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 17:53:39 GMT

She really should be looking for love on HORSE.com

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060322/ap_en_tv/people_joan_rivers;_ylt=AuiL3Yf8lI1YjA2NvXhA0mLK.nQA;_ylu=X3oDMTA3YXYwNDRrBHNlYwM3NjI-

Fun with Recent Movie Titles

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 17:22:21 GMT

Mrs. Henderson Presents Dave Chappelle's Block Party -- 16 Blocks.
She's the Man, the Shaggy Dog, the Libertine, the Pink Panther and the World's Fastest Indian.
Ultraviolet, Aquamarine Winter Passing.
Failure to Launch? Curious George Find Me Guilty.

da Pokey

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 00:27:33 GMT

Why is jail also called the "pokey?" Is it becuase that's where you might get a poke?

Dick's Approval

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 17:23:58 GMT

Cheney's job approval rating is 18%. With a 3% error margin, it could be as low as 15%. With all the people who actually know and like him (lobbyists, oil companies, defense contractors, fascists, people who want to get in good with the regime, some family members), let's knock another 3% off to 12%, giving him the benefit of the doubt since no one would want to elect a total ass. 28% of the US population is between the ages of 0-19. So let's throw those people out of the equation since they don't know any better: That's another 3.5% making 8.5% approval rating. Now let's take it down another 1% assuming that 1% of households don't speak English. That makes 7.5%. Let's say 40% don't read or watch or listen to the news or watch Fox news exclusively. It's a little low, but what the hey. That's 4% who approve of Cheney.

I can keep wittling down, but I'm afraid there's only one conclusion. It will never be zero, because there are 5 guys who run the country who think they're doing a heck of a job. They are. It's a heck of a job on the American people.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 20:02:23 GMT

PepsiMan looks an awful lot like a cross between the Silver Surfer and Ultraman and a worm. Especially, his Fuct (fact?)

Gut Check

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 21:05:36 GMT

The Olympics are like a national gut check, and Team USA seems to be very representative of how the world is seeing us from a broader standpoint.

- Selfish: Our athletes have corporate sponsors and lead a life of gold brick roads, while a lot of other athletes struggle and give up entire family fortunes to just show up.
- Showboaty: A cross-country skier lost her gold medal putting on a move at the end of the race allowing another skier to pass her.
- Diva-ish: The two speed skaters, arguably the best in the world, feud like their on Survivor, only to see an Italian beat them both in the same race.
- Apathetic Drunk Slacker: Bode Miller just doesn't seem to care.
- Apathetic Audience: We would much rather watch American Idol and Dancing with the Stars. America-Schmerica.

All in all, I would say America's Olympic experience this year has been disappointing and it's hard to root for these spoiled jocks. I would have rather NBC show "My Name is Earl" Re-runs. At least, it'd be entertaining and heartfelt.

Cheney's got a Gun

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 01:22:14 GMT

Inspired by TDS episode...

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
The whole world's looking stunned
At his uncontrollable shotgun
What damage could a shotgun do?
What if he shot at you?

They say when the story was reported
It got reported way too late
But we knew it was comin'
Now that Cheney's Got A Gun
Eavesdropping is gonna be our fate

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Our dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
His lies are still untrue
What if he shot at you?

He jacked the little bitty birdy
The man has got to be insane
They say the spell that he was under
The lightnin' and the thunder
Knew that someone had shoot his brain

Run away, run away from the gays
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Run away, run away from the gays
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Our dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
His lies are still untrue
It's Cheney's last Big fuck you

Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Cheney's Got A Gun
Everybody is on the run

Oh the guys you'll shoot

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 18:38:49 GMT

What's perhaps the most interesting part of all this to me is, what if they guy died? Oh, if we only the Twilight Zone were real.

Joy to the World

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 00:05:39 GMT

So this talent agent walks into a producer's office and says, "Boy, do I have an act for you."

The producer says, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. It's a political act."

"We don't do politics. Too controversial."

"Yeah, but this is different. First you have the President, who's a recovered alcoholic from a rich oil family."

"Outrageous."

"Yeah, and he became President because he was buddies with the guy who sold the voting machines. Anyway, he's also a born again, but he's only in it for the votes, because even though your buddy is screwing around with the vote count, you can only cheat so much."

"Unheard of."

"No kidding. Then get this, he finds out terrorists have a plan to fly planes into buildings all on the same morning and he lets them. Like a wanton whore he lets them. And they do, and kill thousands. All the while he's reading a storybook to kids about goats."

"My god!"

"God has nothing to do with it. Then he tells everyone it's someone else and they attack a country that has nothing to do with it. And they spend a trillion dollars and kill hundreds of thousands of people that had nothing to do with planes crashing."

"Good gravy!"

"Then at home, he tells people he needs more power to save them from evil. So he tricks people into giving him money AND power."

"At the same time?"

"Oh yeah. All the people he presides over just let him take the reigns and fuck them. He fucks the old, the poor, the educated, the middle class. He fucks people's doctors, he fucks their attorneys, he fucks the minimum wagers. He fucks environmentalists, scientists, he even fucks the military. So he's simultaneously fucking 300,000,000 people. And what's really sick is that they let him. They open up their legs and scream for him to fuck them and he does."

"Perverts!"

"Then a hurricane comes and it destroys a dam and floods an entire city of titty show-ers. And guess what?"

"He fucks them?"

"Every last one of them. He shits in their mouths and pees on their face and they eat it up because they're so hungry and thirsty. But it turns out the President isn't just a pitcher. He's a catcher too."

"How so?"

"Well, when you're the kinda whore he is, you have to open your ass up to a lot of different people and you have to let them fuck you every way imaginable. So first there's the Christians who wanna get him pregnant and leave him in a coma. Then there's the oil family friends, who by the way are related to those guys who crashed the planes."

"Incestuous."

"So you have the President fucking millions while he's eating the jizz from his oil friends and getting it from Christians taking turns in his ass until the whole thing explodes he declares himself the only President we'll ever need, thus ending all of democracy."

"Man, that's a hell of an act. What does he call himself?"

"The NAZI!"

"Hmm… that could be a problem…"

"Ok… the Aristocrat?"

"What the hell is an aristocrat?"

Hi Kids

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 01:11:33 GMT

Jack and George went to Capitol Hill
To win them some elections.
Jack fell down and then broke down
And George should get impeachment.

Dear NSA: If you are reading this, FUCK YOU. That's "ANEEKAK" if you're reading in Arabic.

Karl Rove is Eric Cartman

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 19:22:23 GMT

Discuss.

Insomnia

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 21:46:19 GMT

Sore throat kept me up last night, so of course my mind SOC'd (stream of consciousness) into all the worries that are liable to creep up. Most are pretty stupid, but I felt a need to list EVERYTHING that's adding even a weencie bit of stress on me. Sort of like therapy. Here's a sample mental monologue I had:

Work. Multiple projects that mainly have little end date. Feel like a scientist whose researching, experimenting, etc. in hopes for a cure. Or a gardener just starting the season. All I have are seeds right now and dirt. Long long process to grow a magnificent forest. Meanwhile have to clean up powerpoints. House. One of our skylights has a leak and it's been raining everyday for a week. Haven't had a free day to go up and patch it. What if I fuck it up? What if the roof collapses? And my office is a mess. Haven't had enough will power to go in and deal with it. Feel like a failure when it comes to stuff like that. And I haven't been doing my share of the picking up lately. Dog. She's tearing up her front paws jumping after squirrels that run along the phone lines in the back yard. She rips them on the wood fence and spends the rest of the day and night licking and chewing on her pads. I want to get her shoes. I want to brick off the area she's most likely to jump. I want to kill the squirrels with alka seltzer. Meanwhile I feel guilty that I'm not spending enough time with her or giving her enough walks which is probably why she's chasing squirrels, although she could have three broken legs and still go after them. "Projects." There are so many things I want to complete or even get a start on. Am I trying to do too much? I feel like I've stopped dreaming. I haven't written a creative word in at least a year. And I really need to set up and update my music equipment. Friends and family. I've been a yutz in communication. Why don't I make a greater effort? I'm a bad person. Money. Do we have enough? What about later? Babies. I want to have them, but jeez... why can't I even get my own life in order? Have I fallen prey to the virtual environment of emails, blogs and online shopping? Have they replace basic physical things that need to occur? Like adding washer fluid to the car? Why can't I fill out a simple purchase req? I hate my skin. Have to sell stuff on craigslist... taking up too much space in the garage. If I know the HDTV I want to buy, why don't I? Oh right... the whole satellite upheaval thing. Moonbeam going to be gone for almost a week next week. Will I get any sleep? Am I giving her enough love? Am I giving the cats enough love? If we have a baby, will I give him/her enough love? What if they're twins? Do I have enough to give to both? What the hell are we going to do about daycare? Maybe I should open a day care for babies, kids, dogs, and retirees. Get them all to take care of each other. When I was a kid it was called home. But what if the babies/kids get the retirees sick and die? Then will I get sued? What's this cyst on my arm and why hasn't it gotten bigger? Is it growing tendrals inside of me? I better get life insurance before they/we find out. This is all expected stuff; what happens when something unexpected happens? Will I be screwed? Speaking of screwed, is this country going to be ok? It's getting pretty screwed. Moonbeam's BD is coming up too and I want to do something special since it's #29. And Chinese New Years coming up. I'd like to make it a little special because we have our first house, but that's going to take time. Time... It's all your fault, Time. You fucking bastard. You never have time for anyone, do you, Time? You just run away. Well, fuck you, Time. Fuck you. Why don't you just slow down and give someone a chance to catch up. You're always going off about 1:41, 1:42, 1:43... screw you. We should just ignore you. All you do is waste time. Bristow! Stop licking your paws! I can't understand how with all the time saving features in life, why I can't seem to find enough time for anything?

And this is why I didn't sleep last night. See? Pretty stupid.

6 for 2006

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 02:17:45 GMT

6 Predictive Breakouts for 2006 that Will Kick Ass

1. Wikipedia - Knowledge and sharing for all as synonymous as Google or porn
2. Abramoff Investigation - Casino Jack's willful greed will take down the entire Repugnican party, Faux News, and the President
3. Zelda: Twilight Princess - Will simultaneously change adventure gameplay and kill Nintendo
4. Skype, IM and Podcasting - Invade normal business functions in ways no one ever considered
5. Superman Returns - We will again believe a man can fly
6. DVDs - Will all cost under $15 because people will stop buying them and new technologies will push them aside and people will have less time to go through special features, the industry will go into a panic and crappy movies will simply stop being made (ok, that's really crazy.)

Paraphrasing the Colbert Report and other Xmas thoughts

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 17:46:18 GMT

... on why it should be "Happy Holidays!" and not "Merry Christmas!"

"Holiday" comes from the word "Holy Day," which is pretty god damn religious. So all those people who take offence to "Happy Holidays" (Pat Robertson, Bill O'Reilly, etc.) are fucking blasphemers who hate God and all that's happy and holy.

Also (not from the Colbert Report), if the right loves capital punishment and torture so much (regardless of your level of guilt or innocence), how do they feel about Jesus being executed on a cross?

What would Brian Boitano do?

Fake Iraq Ballots???

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 17:00:17 GMT

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2005-12/14/content_3920496.htm

Why it's practically Dieboldolical.

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 22:30:35 GMT

http://www.fuckchristmas.org/

ps. i didn't write this.

10 Things Bush Should be Thankful For

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 21:49:00 GMT

In no particular order...

1. A job.
2. No one's killed him for said job.
3. No one's mistakened him for the White House turkey.
4. Ignorance - if he knew what we know, he'd hate himself too.
5. Not having to suit up and go to war against aliens like they Bill Pullman did in Independence Day.
6. A Repugnican Congress.
7. A Retired Bill Clinton.
8. Cable TV - if we only had 3 or 4 channels, maybe we'd watch them instead of "CSI"
9. Not a presidential election year.
10. Herpes.

Bush = Political Lemming

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 20:07:06 GMT

The longer Bush hangs onto the notion that the Iraq war is just and justified, the better it will be for America.

Only then will even the most Bush Ball Sucking conservatives (Sean "meat puppet" Hannity, Rush "the junkie" Limbaugh) be turned away to let him rot in the sun by himself. His cantankerous will and 'never say sorry' attitude will reveal him to be a despot -- a mad tyrranical crazy so off the path of decency and common sense that even the rightest of the right walk on the other side of the street.

Then Bush, Dickface, Rumsy, C'Rice, Woefullwitz, Yosemite Sam at the UN, and the Pillsbury Rove Boy can burn in the hell they deserve... Hell being a place where one is powerless and voiceless, like a dark dungeon or a torture chamber in G'tmo. And then we can give Frist, DeLay and Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AL) a good old-fashion liberal lynchin' by making them watch hours and hours of Teletubbies... Gay Teletubbies.

This is assuming it happens before they kill us all.

Oilmerica

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 17:14:38 GMT

Hmm... gas prices have been dropping and suddenly oil companies are in front of congress saying they're not profiteers. It's sort of like catching a kid away from the cookie jar and his mouth is filled with oreo cream and he says, "I didn't take any cookies (since 5 minutes ago)."

p.s. I was that kid.

p.p.s. Or it's like when Bush says "We don't torture (just for fun. It's financially motivated!)" Funny how things taken out of context make less sense.

Ironics

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 17:00:48 GMT

On the shuttle bus today we passed a Burger King (which I guess cool kids call "BK" now which is this year's KFC) and there in the lot was parked a van from PlanetOrganics.com, the fresh delivered organic produce company.

Here's a company that's all about promoting healthy, organic foods and yet they're sitting in a BK and ordering sausage croissan'wiches, hash browns and french toast dips.

Now, I might be wrong, and they could be having salads for breakfast, but c'mon...

Or... they're REALLY cool organic people who can eat organics and occassional partake in industry indulgences like sodium nitrates.

Or... what we really need is a fast food organics restaurant. Sort of like a ... oh i don't know ... an In 'n Out Burger. But they don't serve breakfast.

Any respects, I don't know the answer. I'm just a dude.